Begin in the Kitchen

Right, well, it's been one of those months where too many highs and too many lows are all packed in way too short of time. Since I've been here last I flew up to Seattle to attend the wedding of one of my oldest friends, accompanied by a good couple dozen of some of my other oldest, dearest friends and got to see my mom and a good handful of my family-by-choice-family. It was like a deliriously happy love fest the whole time and then I came back to San Diego hit a low-ass low. I'm feeling stalled and discouraged in a few areas of my life right now and the tidal wave of those emotions hit me full force after 4 days of constant love. It's been an odd year so far. Hell- the last two years have been odd and hard. I tore my meniscus in March and then ended up back in the emergency room on Sunday night after a week of pain in my chest and trouble breathing. I'm fine- the pain hasn't gone away but all scary immediate emergency threats were ruled out- my heart and lungs are healthy and I was sent home with pain pills and over the counter medications and instructions to check in with my doctor, which I will once my new insurance kicks in July 1st. Going back and forth between doctor, pharmacy and insurance provider is probably the most frustrating experience you can have when you're unwell. After Fernando driving me to the urgent care my insurance provider had specifically told me was in network for my insurance plan and being turned away I burst into tears. I was in pain, scared and really aggravated that this insurance I've paid thousands of dollars into wasn't working out for me. I can't even imagine how horrible it is for people dealing with life threatening situations and chronic diseases who have to battle with insurance on a daily basis. Anyway- I digress.

Here's the most important thing. A couple weeks ago I mentioned on an Instagram caption that I was having a rough week. Within minutes, at midnight no less, two of my best girlfriends texted me to remind me that I am so loved and that everything will workout. The next day more of my friends reached out. I worked out with my sweet friend Katie and was able to be vulnerable and real with her and she was there for me. When I left work, scared and in pain, on Sunday to go to the emergency room my coworkers, who are at this point my good friends, texted me to make sure I was okay, see if they could help me. My mom and sisters have kept close tabs on me with phone calls and texts and (in the case of my sister who lives close) some Cali Creamin' ale and burgers, then a joint nap (napping is kind of our thing). The point is that when you're going through a rough time its easy to get sucked into a dark hole of loneliness and lose track of the fact that you are so insanely, gloriously loved. It's also easy to forget that it is perfectly okay to send out a distress call, to be real with your feelings, and that your friends and family, your tribe, will immediately throw you a lifeline. I'm incredibly lucky because I have an inordinate amount of incredible people who love me and get me. This week is looking up- despite still being in some pain I know now that its minor. I've started working out daily again after a long time off and an injury and its hard and discouraging but also very uplifting because I'm doing it- I'm taking those steps.

I don't want to only present the pretty food and wine I'm having on this blog. I want to be real and honest, not for the sake of attention or oversharing, but just for the sake of being a real person. Life is messy and hard and I am continuously trying to figure my shit out. Last week that looked like bursting out in tears while trying to follow a yoga video. Monday it was taking Norco all day and watching Netflix documentaries and losing 30 minutes looking at Kardashians' Instagram. Yesterday it was cleaning every inch of my house and today it's being here, writing and expressing myself.

I've made some good stuff and had some great drinks the last few weeks and I have those pictures and recipes to share at some point, but for the next week or so I'm under doctor's orders to eat bland food and abstain from alcohol. I don't even know what bland food means but my interpretation was gnocchi with butter and pesto and a Caesar salad. I don't know if a Caesar salad counts as "bland", but it was simple and healthy and tasted delicious. I love a good Caesar and I am telling you right now to never purchase the dressing at the store ever again. They're loaded with bad shit that will stay in your system for centuries, super high in gnarly fat and kind of expensive for what's in it. I've started making my own and it is so incredibly easy, fast and cheap. The only special ingredient you have to buy is anchovy paste- everything else you probably have at home. It comes together quickly and mess free in a blender and will keep in your fridge for a few weeks.

I made this salad for my friend Amy and myself one night when we had a "wine tasting" at my house. Our wine tastings so far usually include about 15 minutes of talking about wine and about 5 hours talking about everything else. This last one concluded with Amy and I passing out in my bed and her husband walking in my house to find us asleep and spooning. So you know, successful study session. I layered radicchio and little gems lettuce with avocado and roasted asparagus, grated some good parm over the whole thing and left the dressing in the middle to make this an easy finger food. Amy suggested some quarted, soft boiled eggs nestled in the lettuce and I usually add a sliced cucumber or tomato wedges or olives or whatever else I have on hand. This is not your local diner's Caesar, after all. Also, I really miss wine. Since Friday all I've had is one mimosa and that does not even count as wine. It's just juice with like, a splash of cheap sparkling.

Homemade Caesar Dressing

1 Egg
Juice of 1 large lemon
1 T Anchovy Paste (you could just as easily use fillets- I opted for paste because its less expensive and stores more easily)
1 T Dijon
1 Garlic clove
3 1-Inch chunks of good parmesan
1 cup olive oil (or oil of your choice- grapeseed is more neutral)
Salt and Pepper to taste (I use way less salt than pepper- the anchovy paste and parm are both salty and I prefer a really peppery, lemony dressing)

Put all ingredients in blender and blend until parm and garlic are finely chopped up and the dressing is emulsified. Taste and adjust seasonings- I usually end up adding more lemon and pepper. If needed thin out with water until desired consistency. I've added a whole avocado in the place of the egg and its turned out just as good. I've also added a handful of basil or sundried tomatoes, this is an easy base to play around with. Store leftovers in the fridge, it will keep for a couple of weeks.